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You’re Not Broken, Your Needs Are Unmet
Understanding the two-way street of idealization in relationships.
“What is necessary to change a person is to change the awareness of himself.” ~Abraham Maslow
Trigger Warning: The following content includes personal experiences and discussions around difficult topics such as trauma, emotional challenges, childhood maltreatment, or abusive relationships. While my intent is to educate and share personal insights, some readers may find certain content emotionally distressing. This article is for informational purposes only.
I think one of the hardest things to hear is when someone says they’re “broken”.
They may tell you how they only seem to attract partners who break their hearts, where they’re thinking there’s something wrong with themselves. Or, they may say that breaking someone else’s heart is better than being left behind and having their own heart broken.
They may explain a heart-wrenching story of how they’ve been used by partners who were only looking out for themselves. Or, they may tell you how they learned earlier in life to take what you can, then leave.
You might hear how they want to feel loved but they’ve never felt good enough so now they don’t believe in love. Or they may mention how relationships have an expiration date.
They may explain how they’ve never felt wanted and feel unheard by those who were supposed to care about them. So, now they seek out relationships that ‘validate’ them as unworthy and perpetuate them feeling unheard. Or, they’re now ignoring and invalidating their partner.
They may struggle with a sense of purpose and direction that goes back to not being taught how to recognize their value and worth. Or, they may use others as a stepping stone at the expense of those who once cared.
These are outcomes of feeling ‘broken’ — unworthy, unwanted, even hopeless. They play out as two-sides of the same coin: either as someone who is constantly hurt by others chasing those who can’t fill their unmet needs, or as someone who hurts others to protect themselves from being hurt, because of having unmet needs.
